An Introduction
Greetings! I am happy to have the opportunity to share my story with you. “Living with Chronic Illness” is born out of years of effort to balance my spiritual health, family duties, and service for God while also dealing with physical failings. The Lord has been more than gracious and very longsuffering with me, His child. This column will be set forth as a devotional help for women who deal with chronic health issues but still strive to fulfill God’s desire for them to be the Virtuous Woman described in Proverb 31. It is not easy but I believe with all my heart that it can be achieved.
I must confess two things to you right up front:
1. I make no claim to be living all the things I will write in this column. They are my lessons; I am still learning!
2. It has been difficult to submit to God’s desire for me to write this. I am a very private person – to a fault. However, I will strive to be open with you about my own experience in the hope that it will help and encourage you in your daily struggles.
This first installment will be more introductory in nature so you can get to know me and understand my background a little better. Subsequent installments will include a devotional lesson based on my own experience, a quote or lesson from another Christian woman who has encouraged me, poetry, and suggested resources. I do not want this to be weighty material; my goal is to minister to your heart. Please feel free to contact me through the link provided (Send email to Laura). I would love to hear from you!
My Story
09/01/2005
In 1989, my beloved husband, Stephen led our daughter, Danielle, and me to the Lord and we were gloriously born again! We enjoyed many happy and fruitful years of service before my declining health necessitated major changes. You can read the full account of our family ministry experience in our column on this web site entitled The Road to Sierra Leone.
I have lived with health problems my whole life. In childhood I suffered from debilitating headaches and nose bleeds so severe that we made many trips to the emergency room because my mother, a nurse, could not staunch the flow. Motion sickness, vertigo, poor balance and more, all visited me in varying degrees for as long as I can remember. As a child I thought it was all “normal” and went on playing as much as I could. As a teen, a neurologist told me that the headaches – which were very severe by this time – were nothing and I would likely out grow them. How we do take modern medicine for granted. A simple MRI would have revealed the problem! But since MRI scans had not yet been developed, I would have to wait 21 more years before a diagnosis could be made!
Part of what made my illness difficult to diagnose by doctors and easy for me to largely ignore was that the symptoms varied so wildly and at times would nearly disappear. I could convince my husband and myself that I really was okay. Pain had become such a constant companion that I had learned to function in spite of it. But as time went on the symptoms increased. I grew weary of doctors; they all had different ideas. I have “had” everything from arthritis, fibromyalgia, low thyroid, hormone imbalance, and on it went. One kind doctor even suggested that I didn’t have anything; in other words it was all in my head.
No more doctors! This was my proclamation. My poor husband really tolerated my ranting well; I was tired of doctors who couldn’t figure me out. No matter how poorly I felt, he could not get me to budge. Finally, I consented to go to the Coast Guard Academy Clinic in New London, Connecticut. Why I agreed, I do not know except that it was by divine appointment. In the fall of 1996, at age 34, I finally met a doctor who really listened. I don’t even recall her name anymore. She, believing I had Multiple Sclerosis, ordered an MRI. The report showed a birth defect at the base of my brain called Arnold/Chiari Malformation, the cause of which is unknown. With this defect, the brain stem grows down through the opening at the bottom of the skull. Mine had also grown into the top two vertebrae. I like to tell my husband that I just have too much brain! The result of the defect is pressure on the spinal cord, which interferes with neural functions and blocks the proper flow of spinal fluid. I only saw this doctor two or three times but she changed my life. I truly did have a real illness! I was then referred to a neurosurgeon.
I needed to have surgery or the effects of the constant pressure would cause irreversible neurological damage. There was no guarantee that damage already done would correct itself but at least it would not get worse – hopefully. The means of “correcting” the defect is to simply make room for the extra brain tissue. This is achieved by enlarging the opening at the base of the skull and, for me, removing the front half of the top two vertebrae. To protect the exposed brain stem and spinal cord, a bridge of muscle is then grafted over the opening where the vertebrae were removed. A frightening prospect but it was equally frightening to continue “living” the way I was.
Much of my pre- and post-surgery experience will be used in subsequent installments to illustrate the many lessons the Lord has brought my family and me through. My intention is to have a new installment on the first and fifteenth of each month. I do hope you will check back regularly and even pass this link on to some other woman who struggle with illness. I know from experience that realizing you are not alone in your feelings of helplessness and failure is a great encouragement to keep striving to please the Lord. I will leave you with a favorite poem. It is a reminder that anything good in me is from Jesus. We all are just lumps of clay but dealing with chronic illness keeps that reality in focus for me; I have no illusions about my flesh – it is only temporary! You are in my prayers and may God Bless you as you strive to be more like Him every day.
A Persian fable says: One day
A wanderer found a lump of clay
So redolent with sweet perfume
Its odors scented all the room.
“What art thou?” was his quick demand
“Art thou some gem from Samarcand,
Or spikenard in this rude disguise,
Or other costly merchandise?”
“Nay: I am but a lump of clay.”
“Then whence this wondrous perfume – say!”
“Friend if the secret I disclose,
I have been dwelling with the Rose.”
Sweet parable! And will not those
Who love to dwell with Sharon’s Rose,
Distill sweet odors all around
Though low and mean themselves are found?
Dear Lord, abide with us that we
May draw our perfume fresh from Thee.
- Author Unknown
(Excerpted from Streams in the Desert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman; September 15th entry. Published by Zondervan Publishing House, copyright 1925.)
Laying the Foundation
09/15/2005
Fifteen and one half years ago, when I was newly saved, I was desirous to learn as much as possible that would help me to live as a godly woman. The 31st chapter from the book of Proverbs was naturally recommended by many women whose lives had an influence on me. In my new-Christian naïveté, I could not figure out why this should be a woman’s model for New Testament Christian living. First, she lived in Old Testament times. How did that apply to me? Secondly, and more importantly, there is not a single reference to anything spiritual in the passage, it is all physical – or so I thought! As I grew in my Christian walk and my heart became established in the grace of Jesus Christ (Hebrews 13:9), I realized just how much I needed to rely on the spiritual to achieve the physical. This lovely woman in Proverb 31 never could have accomplished as much as she did without a close relationship to her God. Part of the path that brought me to this understanding was my own struggle with physical infirmities.
People who have not dealt with long-term health problems may not realize just how profoundly the physical affects the spiritual. Many are the days I have spent in bed so debilitated by pain that I cannot even form enough words in my mind to pray. Precious are the groanings which cannot be uttered on such days (Romans 8:26). Conversely, I believe with all my heart that the spiritual affects the physical. A favorite verse on this subject is Proverb 17:22 which says “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” So, armed with the knowledge that my spiritual strength could affect my physical healing, I began to look into the heart of the Virtuous Woman to try and find the spiritual capacity she clearly possessed. I reasoned that if I could strengthen my spiritual health, my physical well-being would improve. That did not necessarily mean that I would be physically healed but rather that I could better accept whatever my physical state would be.
Eight years ago, I submitted to the Lord that I would write these lessons out so other women could benefit from my experience. I am so very grateful to now have an opportunity to share the insight I have gained. Part of the impetus which led me to begin writing these lessons was a dissatisfaction with commentaries I had read about this mysterious, even elusive, Virtuous Woman. Most of the commentaries seemed to be written from a man’s perspective. In itself there is nothing wrong with that, I suppose. However, the approach appeared to be largely from the standpoint of a checklist of physical accomplishments. “If my wife is doing …(fill in the blank) then she is virtuous!” Sadly, this does not address the heart. Now let’s add another dimension to the discussion – chronic illness. I became very discouraged, even depressed, with what I perceived to be my failings as a virtuous woman because physically I could not do anything. How could I live out the qualities described in Proverb 31 while confined to bed? Gradually, the Lord began to enlighten the eyes of my understanding (Ephesians 1:18) and showed me, point for point, how to live spiritually the things which were described physically. I could possess the characteristics of our model Christian woman after all! They were not inseparably linked to being able to perform them in a physical sense. How liberating to the heart and mind this was for me and I pray it will be for you too. Over the months ahead, we will explore the amazing depth of spiritual wealth contained in these precious verses. There is so much more here than meets the physical eye!
I can distinctly remember one of my prayers as I lay in the hospital bed just days after my surgery. I did not know what life was going to be like for my family and me. I asked the Lord to give me the capacity to accept myself as He saw fit to have me be even if that meant incomplete physical healing. I cannot say that I abide there but I am closer to always being thankful for who and what I am. And that is a good place for any Christian with chronic health problems to start – be thankful. Ask God to show you how you can give thanks to Him in all things (I Thessalonians 5:18). I will leave you with a thought from a favorite devotional book that might help you to be more aware of God’s work in your life and how chronic illness plays a part in His molding of your heart.
…Nor is prayer ever futile. True prayer is evermore true power. You may not always get what you ask, but you shall always have your real wants supplied. When God does not answer His children according to the letter, He does so according to the spirit. If thou askest for coarse meal, wilt thou be angered because He gives thee the finest flour? If thou seekest bodily health, shouldst thou complain if instead thereof He makes thy sickness turn to the healing of spiritual maladies? Is it not better to have the cross sanctified than removed?
(Excerpted from Morning and Evening by Charles H. Spurgeon; November 3 Evening entry. Published by Hendrickson Publishers, copyright 1991)
I can testify that many are the “spiritual maladies” which have been healed while I have learned to be thankful for the physical frailties which the Lord allows to remain. I will join you as together we pray for these words to work healing in our hearts to the purpose that we may be more conformed to the image of our precious Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Who can find a virtuous woman?
10/22/2005
Who, indeed? I know that I am still trying to find her in my own life. But a careful examination of the text of Proverb 31 gives great hope and encouragement to any woman who is striving to apply these principles in her life. Let us first consider the structure of the text. Then we will go straight to the heart that beats spiritual life into the passage.
The lovely hymn “Abide with Me” states: “Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day,” – a poignant reminder of the brevity of life. When viewed as a whole, Proverb 31:10-31 can be seen as the “day” of one’s life. Verse 10 opens the section with a question posed by a man who is searching for a virtuous woman. This makes me believe that she is in the flower of her life, newly married to a man that had been diligently searching for her. We conclude in verse 31 by reading of her works praising her in the gates – the end of her life. In between is a beautiful tapestry that represents any godly woman’s life. My prayer for my own life and yours is that our works will praise us in the gates of heaven, not for salvation or self-aggrandizement but to the glory and honor of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Moving from the distant view, let us zoom in and view the passage as a single day, one in the string of many that make up a whole life. While meditating on this portion of scripture several years ago, it dawned on me that the Lord wrote this just the way my days go. As a keeper at home, my tasks are varied and interwoven throughout the day. I often have several things happening at one time and have to keep them moving along in an orderly, productive manner. Added to this are the needs of children and the care of our husbands. In the modern term – we must multi-task! Chronic illness can and often does tip an already delicate balance. In the physical realm, determining what is truly necessary to accomplish can be a help. But we cannot stop there. It is far more vital to consider our spiritual needs if we are going to continue to look well to the ways of our household (verse 27). And so we zoom in further still, coming directly to the heart of the passage.
Located in the center of this woman’s day, and even her very life, is the secret. In verse 17 (nearly the center of the passage) we read, “She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.” But what is the strength spoken of here? To make it simply physical is to miss the point. Because there is such a wealth of spiritual wisdom contained in this little verse, I want to cover it over a few installments so as not to miss any of its treasures. To start, allow me to share with you a verse that forever changed the way I view each day.
In Hebrews 11, we read about faith. Without it, none of God’s people therein mentioned could have accomplished the tasks at hand. One time as I was complaining to the Lord about what I perceived to be a miserable situation (my health, or lack thereof), He gently and kindly showed me Hebrews 11:11: “Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised.” Now as I recall, it was about two in the morning of yet another sleepless night when this verse jumped off the page. Indeed, God has a sense of humor and delights to use it! You may be wondering what I am getting at but before you go too far with your wondering – no, we did not have another child! What the Lord was showing me was that if I would daily judge Him faithful, He would help me to receive the strength to accomplish the things He deemed necessary. Let’s read the passage a bit differently: “Through faith (insert your name) received strength to (things He says are needful) because she (you) judged him faithful who had promised.” I began daily to pray for the Lord to help me to have faith to believe that His strengthening was appropriate to my true need. Very often, things that I have planned are scrapped because I just do not receive the physical strength to achieve them. Oh, there are plenty of days I do not listen and pay dearly for it (physically speaking). Amazingly, I have found that I can accomplish more in the course of the week by doing just what my strength allows each individual day.
In the months following my surgery, my physical accomplishments were minuscule. Some days my big success was to sweep the kitchen floor. One time it took me over 5 hours to make mashed potatoes! But I was learning to cherish deeply the spiritual time I had. God showed me there was much more strengthening accomplished upon the bed of languishing than I had recognized (Psalm 41:3). Please don’t get me wrong, my physical progress thrilled me; those potatoes tasted better than ever because of what they represented. It can be just as easy to get out of balance the other way and stay on that bed of languishing longer than the Lord wants us to. But I know that I too often looked for the physical progress and missed the true blessing of spiritual health. This oversight echoes back to my previous installment (see archives): being worn down physically would bring me down spiritually. It all comes down to balance and only the Lord knows the point of balance for each individual. Judge Him faithful and He will show you your balance point.
To conclude this installment I would like to recommend a book. Reading is one of my favorite sources of strength and encouragement. My favorite books tend to be biographies, especially of missionary women. This book particularly speaks to my heart because the woman in the story, Lilias Trotter, gave up a promising career as an artist to be a servant of the Lord. As a trained artist myself, I have been motivated by her story to seek first the Kingdom of God. Additionally, she struggled with chronic health ailments in the very difficult field of nineteenth-century Algeria. The book is superbly written and follows her through the full “day” of her life. It is called A Passion for the Impossible by Miriam Huffman (published by Discovery House Publishers). I am certain that it will inspire you to serve in whatever capacity the Lord chooses. May He continue to bless you as you daily seek His strength.
She Girdeth Her Loins With Strength
Proverbs 31:17
December 2005
Welcome! I trust that the Lord has been blessing, encouraging, and strengthening you since we were last together.
"She girdeth her loins with strength." What a difficult thing this is to contemplate when you are struggling with chronic illness. And yet here it is, in the Bible, for you and me to apply to our lives. Because the Bible is a universal book, it must apply universally. To consider a universal application of this verse, let us first ask ourselves a logical and sincere question: How can a newly saved 80-year-old woman earnestly apply this verse to her life? What about the bed-ridden woman? Physical strength is important and we must do what we can to keep fit but I do not believe this to be the primary application for any New Testament woman of God.
During my lengthy recovery from brain and spinal cord surgery, this verse looked like Mount Everest! Lord, do you really mean gird MY loins with strength? But how? I began to earnestly pray about this verse. I lacked the wisdom necessary to comprehend what was expected of me and the Lord graciously opened my understanding (James 1:5). It is my prayer that you, too, will be exhorted by what the Lord showed me.
According to the dictionary, to gird means to make fast by binding, to surround, encircle, or enclose. God wants me to encircle my loins with strength. To better understand, let us also consider what the loins are. Again going to the dictionary I find this definition: the area of human anatomy between the lower ribs and the hips, generally regarded as the seat of physical strength and stability.
In I Peter 1:13 we find another command to gird our loins: “Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” When overlaid with our instruction from Proverbs 31:17, I can conclude that physical strengthening is not exclusively what God desires of me. The mind is regarded as the seat of mental and emotional strength and stability. God wants the loins of my mind to be encircled by strength. To acquire physical strength, one must diligently exercise. The same holds true with the strengthening of the mind. Bible reading, prayer, listening to study tapes, reading devotional and commentary books were all things I clearly could to in order to gird the loins of my mind with strength.
But why strengthen the mind? I believe the answer to that is also in I Peter 1:13. God wants us to continually hope for the return of the Lord Jesus Christ. If our minds are weak, we are too quick to focus solely on our present physical situation. The body can cry out in pain so loudly that the mind can think of nothing else (I speak from personal experience). When my mind is so weak that I can only focus on the physical, I am not operating in the spiritual realm.
Our minds can quickly betray us and cross over to the side of the enemy without our realizing it. I must keep my mind strong or the enemy will assail me with thoughts which displease the Lord and frustrate me. Consider the command in II Corinthians 10:5; “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ (emphasis added).” I must do everything I can to strengthen my mind – I am commanded to. But beyond that, I want to do this because I so greatly desire to please my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Many were the months when I could not read. Pressure on the optical nerve had caused me to have double vision. While praying for and awaiting healing, I listened to a lot of tapes both of sermons and scripture. If you cannot read in order to strengthen your mind, listen to tapes. Have family members and friends read to you. This sharing also brings precious and memorable times. Ask God to enable you to have some time during the day when your personal situation is more conducive to reading. Bathe your mind in scripture and thus you will minimize thoughts from the tempter. Do whatever it takes but you must strengthen your mind!
In closing, I will leave you with a provoking thought. So often we look at the spiritual “giants” of the past as more than human flesh and blood forgetting that they, too, struggled with fightings and fears from within and without just as you and I do. Please prayerfully consider the following:
Hudson Taylor was so feeble in the closing months of his life that he wrote a dear friend: “I am so weak I cannot write; I cannot read my Bible; I cannot pray. I can only lie still like a little child in the arms of God and trust.” This wondrous man of God with all his spiritual power came to a place of physical suffering and weakness where he could only lie still and trust.
(Excerpted from Streams in the Desert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman; May 10th entry. Published by Zondervan Publishing House, copyright 1925.)
Hudson Taylor did not arrive at this point of mental strength while upon his deathbed. He prepared for it over the course of a lifetime. Even if you do not struggle with chronic illness, you will one day be facing your final weeks and days; you must prepare the mind now while you can and so must I.
We will continue to explore this verse next time but until then, let us keep one another in prayer while we each strengthen our minds in the things of God.
